Today we will cover different ways to avoid the dreaded Redeye!
- Make sure your flight time is at a reasonable hour. If the cops take too much time to arrive when you carjack a vehicle on your way to the airport, it's because of heavy traffic. This is the optimum anti-redeye time of travel. Else you'll quickly be arrested, allowing a re-booking of your tickets to a better time
- Using a photo-editing software, color everyone's eyes in the picture completely black, including the whites of their eyes. This will guarantee no red eyes. Also, you might want to hire a priest for exorcisms. I hear possessions are on the rise, if photos are any proof
- Meditate deeply while counting to ten when you get angry. You will no longer see red due to a nerve bursting in your eye, flooding blood all over
- Change your contacts to any other color
- Wash your hands properly after you have poked the eyes of another person suffering from redeye
- If you see the riot police come at you and your friends when protesting the unfair use of pomegranates as a replacement for cherries in cakes, stay away from their pepper spray
- Change the time of when you drive/transport people across borders secretly. Also carry a lot of coffee
We interrupt this session of life lessons, for an advertisement.
---| Insignificant ad begins |---
Have you been driving incessently in an effort to improve the life of your fellow humans? 142-hour energy is the answer to stay awake! Remember, sleep only gets in the way of life!
(Call 1-800-ILL-EAGLE for inquiries)
----| Insignificant ad ends |----
Continuing with our tips...
- Remember to bribe that witch-doctor with whiskey and smoked rat's tail, so there's no redeye curse placed upon you
- Stop acting in 8-bit cartoons, movies and art pieces
- Create a biological weapon that will get rid of all that you're allergic to, on a global scale
- Surround yourself with tons of money and girls/male strippers, while being in a position of unquestionable control over the entire world. This will prevent you from ever feeling sad/unhappy, since we know all these things will drive happiness to you, like a sheepdog herding cattle. No more crying your eyes out and causing a redeye
- Make sure the onions that are to be cut, are allowed to write their autobiographies the previous day. This will prevent them from re-telling their story and making you cry, as they await their execution
- Stop using sand in your eye, since it causes a dry desert-like condition. This easily leads to redeye. Also, use some eye drops to soothe the raging sandstorm that might occur, since wet sand will be best used for creation of sandcastles, or quicksand
... and that's it folks! Stay safe, and follow my tips to see a good life unfold for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment