DIY Life Lessons: Redeye

Today we will cover different ways to avoid the dreaded Redeye!

• Make sure your flight time is at a reasonable hour. If the cops take too much time to arrive when you carjack a vehicle on your way to the airport, it's because of heavy traffic. This is the optimum anti-redeye time of travel. Else you'll quickly be arrested, allowing a re-booking of your tickets to a better time
• Using a photo-editing software, color everyone's eyes in the picture completely black, including the whites of their eyes. This will guarantee no red eyes. Also, you might want to hire a priest for exorcisms. I hear possessions are on the rise, if photos are any proof
• Meditate deeply while counting to ten when you get angry. You will no longer see red due to a nerve bursting in your eye, flooding blood all over
• Change your contacts to any other color
• Wash your hands properly after you have poked the eyes of another person suffering from redeye
• If you see the riot police come at you and your friends when protesting the unfair use of pomegranates as a replacement for cherries in cakes, stay away from their pepper spray
• Change the time of when you drive/transport people across borders secretly. Also carry a lot of coffee

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Continuing with our tips...

• Remember to bribe that witch-doctor with whiskey and smoked rat's tail, so there's no redeye curse placed upon you
• Stop acting in 8-bit cartoons, movies and art pieces
• Create a biological weapon that will get rid of all that you're allergic to, on a global scale
• Surround yourself with tons of money and girls/male strippers, while being in a position of unquestionable control over the entire world. This will prevent you from ever feeling sad/unhappy, since we know all these things will drive happiness to you, like a sheepdog herding cattle. No more crying your eyes out and causing a redeye
• Make sure the onions that are to be cut, are allowed to write their autobiographies the previous day. This will prevent them from re-telling their story and making you cry, as they await their execution
• Stop using sand in your eye, since it causes a dry desert-like condition. This easily leads to redeye. Also, use some eye drops to soothe the raging sandstorm that might occur, since wet sand will be best used for creation of sandcastles, or quicksand

... and that's it folks! Stay safe, and follow my tips to see a good life unfold for you.

Guide to Running Like a Pro

Follow these easy steps to good health, losing those extra pounds of chicken from last weekend, and that glowing skin from the insurgency of life force.

1. Make sure you are mentally prepared for running.
You spilt some juice on your new shoes?! What is the point you're trying to make? You can't run unless you get those stains out? Fine! Clean it up quick.
You've been at it for 30mins now! Sigh! It's too late now. Let's try again tomorrow.

2. Wake up early.
Wake up! Wake up! What do you mean you forgot to put the alarm? Sheesh! Just... fine! Tomorrow!

3. Get plenty of sleep! 
It's 5:30 in the A.M, and I'm glad you're up... sort of. Huh? So what if you slept only 7.5 hours?! 
You need a solid 8 hours of sleep, because you don't want to start the jog tired? What kind of logic is that? Fine! Tomorrow!

4. Drink tons of water hours before you run.
What's your excuse this morning, that you forgot to drink water the previous day? No wait. You're saying you're feeling dehydrated because you peed all the water you drank last night? Oh My God! Fine! Let's try this again the next day. Don't forget to drink just enough water this time.

5. Maintain rhythmic breathing.
NO! Yawning constantly does not count as rhythmic breathing. Show some... hey! Where are you heading? You're going in the wrong direction! Stop! You're running...oh. You're running home to bed. WT...! 

6. Maintain a steady pace.
You're finally out and running. Or rather jogging. Well, maybe it isn't exactly a jog, but more like a brisk walk. Strike that. It's an evening stroll. Well, just do a good job at it, will you? Try maintaining that pace. What are you doing?! Don't stop! You just started walking! Dognabit! Alright! FINE! Think your way to good health. I give up! You just don't want to jog. Why don't you go play some Wii Sport then, won't you?

5 Job Interview Tips

1. Do Your Research

• Is this the best blog post regarding tips on how to ace your interview? 
• Does the company encourage the use of potatoes for electricity? 
• How often do wild pygmies feel the need to divorce their partners in exchange for shoes? 
• If rainbows exist, where are the mistarrows?
• What are the similarities between marauding pyjamas and hypnotic leaves of cotton candy?

These are topics you can research to understand better the strange world of the interwebs, and a little about the company as well. Once you are done with this, time permitting, you can head out for the interview as well.

2. Practice Your Answers
One thing interviewers look for are consistent answers. So make sure you know your answers like the back of your hand, regardless of the questions. The questions are just methods to hear your answers, and if you are ready with your answers already, the questions or their order are irrelevant.

3. Look The Part

If you've been unemployed for a few months, make sure you have a stubble, torn clothes, and you don't shower for a week in advance. Looking the part might drive the interviewers to hire you, after all, emotions are the strongest feelings that are evaluated in an interview.







If you are interviewing with another company while you are already employed, then make sure to look disinterested and morose (like you've been forced to attend this interview). Nothing screams quality like a disinterested potential employee.



4. Stay Calm
So nothing has worked in your favor so far. Pygmies don't wear shoes, and potatoes are more fried than electrified. All is not lost yet.


Stay calm and remember the adage,
Calmness exudes from within, so smile the smile that can be seen from a mile.

All questions from that point forward can be answered with a smile, and make eye to eye contact.



5. Ask Questions
The last part of the interview. This is the get-to-know-your-interviewer stage. This is when you get to ask your interviewer(s) about their personal life.

• What is their exact address?

• Do they live alone, and if not, who else lives with them?

• Is security in their neighborhood lax? 

• How about their doors and windows? How easy is it to enter the house through them?

• What is their take on stalkers and people who watch them while they sleep?

Showing interest in them as a person brings out your inter-personal skills, and will impress them...eventually. You need to execute on the information you receive during this round of the interview.

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That's it! You should be all set! And congratulations in advance on your new job as a 'Generalist Stalker with Random & Strange Knowledge'.

Disclaimer: I have no rights over the images used in the blog/post, and have used them with no intention to distribute them or make any money out of them.