10 Types of Social Comics... and lots more!

Greetings dear visitors traversing this small corner of the interwebs! Stay a little longer and read a little quicker, and you'll have a better understanding of the different social comics that exist out there.

Without much ado, here they are!

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The Self-Motivator
Symptoms: Enthusiastic, charismatic, pitiful
Condition: Once the joke concludes, the only person laughing is the one telling the joke

• Extreme Case: TV Ads State
  Symptoms: Easily amused, excited, not capable of providing a summary
  Condition: Interrupts the story telling on a regular basis with peals of laughter. Horrible narration results in only narrator finding the joke funny

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The Poker Player
Symptoms: Serious, intelligent, scary
Condition: Runs the joke with a straight face. Sometimes causes mass silence since no one knows if it's a joke or life as it happened.

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The Comeback King/Queen

Symptoms: quiet, active listener, can switch target of laughter quickly
Condition: Usually quiet unless targeted, and usually retorts in such a way that the attacker is left embarrassed

• Derivative: The Crossbow
  Symptoms: Alert, jovial, fox-like
  Condition: At opportune moments, fires a one-liner that cracks up everyone around.
• Antonym: The Self Proclaimed Comeback King/Queen
  Symptoms: loud, determined, not funny
  Condition: Impatient to retort, and is usually funny only in that person's mind. Also, destroys the mood at the moment because of that person's perseverance in trying to be the King/Queen of comebacks

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The Tolkien

Symptoms: a talker, hyper active, dreamer
Condition: Converts even the simplest incidences into a whirlwind trilogy of love, betrayal, and power

• Sidekick: The Quick Starter
  Symptoms: Enthusiastic, brilliant memory, supportive
  Condition: In an attempt to stay relevant, always starts off or brings up a joke or incident, but asks The Tolkien to complete it.
• Derivative: The Peter Jackson
  Symptoms: Vivid imagination, animated, loud
  Condition: The physically animated retelling of The Tolkien narration, with verbal sound effects

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The Teacher
Symptoms: listener, jovial, egoistic
Condition: Chips in with actual facts and corrects the narrator when he exaggerates or makes a mistake

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El Bully
Symptoms: extrovert, animated, hogs the limelight
Condition: Not only does this person physically put down his target by thumping the shoulders with a heavy blow, but his jokes embarrass the other person in the front of the crowd as well

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Potpourri 
Symptoms: smart, open-minded, funny sometimes
Condition: Is a mix of all the types of social comics

• Antonym: The Inspired
  Symptoms: loud, determined, not funny
  Condition: Imitates word-to-word & action-by-action the narration by the original

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Kamikaze Specialist
Symptoms: naive, well-meaning, silly
Condition: Joins in the fun of belittling a targeted person of a joke, only to end up always saying something unwittingly silly, that switches the spotlight onto him/her.

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The Native
Symptoms: enthusiastic, listens, insecure
Condition: In an attempt to be funny, says an inside joke that would probably be understood only by one person in a group of ten or more 

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Coattail Rider
Symptoms: alert, jovial, unoriginal
Condition: Chips in with a word or short sentence during the telling of a very funny joke. Ends up being considered funny as well

• Arch Nemesis: End Credits
  Symptoms: Enthusiastic, impatient, selfish
  Condition: Shouts out the punch line early on in the joke, regardless of whether anyone else has heard it or not.

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The Ghoul
Symptoms: enthusiastic, persistent, talkative
Condition: Says the worst form of jokes that invoke only moans and groans from the listeners

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The Lightning
Symptoms: quiet, intense, partly poker faced
Condition: Narrates a hilarious joke that no one gets initially. When it does hit, it results in mass laughter and stomach cramps

• Extreme Delay Response: The Socrates
  Symptoms: quiet, intense, partly poker faced
  Condition: Narrates a very hilarious joke that no one gets

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Do you fit into one of the above categories? Let me know in the comments below, or via IM, or snail mail, or dino mail, or pony express, or just read through this and self-analyze.

Original One Liner

Recycling is like karma... it always comes back to you.

Q&A Time: Potholes

Hello again, my confused friends. It's that part of the blog where I answer an imaginary someone's conjured up question pertaining to giant lizards, fleeing bridesmaids, or penguins that are susceptible to being tickled.
Welcome to,

'Hypothetical Questions & Answers'

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Today's question comes from Raj of Generic City, India. He asks,

Q:

Dear Blogger/Vimal/I.I,

Generic City has a lot of tarred roads, and is in general considered a relatively rich city due to the burgeoning IT industry. This service industry has resulted in a very rich middle class. Regardless of how rich the city may seem, come monsoon season, all the roads get battered with potholes.

My question is, who is to blame and how can we help maintain good pothole-free roads?

A:

Dear Raj,

Let me indulge you in a bit of a background story, which will help you understand my later explanation.
As the middle class continues working for a huge chunk of every day by sitting in front of their computer desks, their lack of physical exertion or exercise becomes apparent. They develop what I'd like to call 'Corporate Fat' around their waists. Corporate fattened bellies are different from normal big bellies in that, they resist change to their shape on application of an external physical force.

Reason for your problem. 

During the rainy season, people tend to spend a lot of time indoors, eating tons of hot fried snacks. This will lead to a general unhealthy feeling, and almost everyone will want to try jogging to lose some weight and be healthy again.

These potbellied people end up going on early morning jogs. If it rains or even drizzles, these joggers tend to slip and fall onto their tummies. This leads to the creation of potholes.

Solution to the problem
One thing you will notice is that each pothole has its own unique shape and depth (fingerprint of the pothole, if you will). Matching this to the corresponding potbellied IT worker, you can find the culprit who has damaged government property (the road). A hefty fine will prevent any such ambitious plans in the future.

Hope this answer has helped. Thank you for mailing in your question.

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That's it folks! If any of you have hypothetical questions you'd like answered, please feel free to trouble me anytime. 

Until then, I bid you, vida!

DIY Life Lessons: Redeye

Today we will cover different ways to avoid the dreaded Redeye!

• Make sure your flight time is at a reasonable hour. If the cops take too much time to arrive when you carjack a vehicle on your way to the airport, it's because of heavy traffic. This is the optimum anti-redeye time of travel. Else you'll quickly be arrested, allowing a re-booking of your tickets to a better time
• Using a photo-editing software, color everyone's eyes in the picture completely black, including the whites of their eyes. This will guarantee no red eyes. Also, you might want to hire a priest for exorcisms. I hear possessions are on the rise, if photos are any proof
• Meditate deeply while counting to ten when you get angry. You will no longer see red due to a nerve bursting in your eye, flooding blood all over
• Change your contacts to any other color
• Wash your hands properly after you have poked the eyes of another person suffering from redeye
• If you see the riot police come at you and your friends when protesting the unfair use of pomegranates as a replacement for cherries in cakes, stay away from their pepper spray
• Change the time of when you drive/transport people across borders secretly. Also carry a lot of coffee

We interrupt this session of life lessons, for an advertisement.

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Continuing with our tips...

• Remember to bribe that witch-doctor with whiskey and smoked rat's tail, so there's no redeye curse placed upon you
• Stop acting in 8-bit cartoons, movies and art pieces
• Create a biological weapon that will get rid of all that you're allergic to, on a global scale
• Surround yourself with tons of money and girls/male strippers, while being in a position of unquestionable control over the entire world. This will prevent you from ever feeling sad/unhappy, since we know all these things will drive happiness to you, like a sheepdog herding cattle. No more crying your eyes out and causing a redeye
• Make sure the onions that are to be cut, are allowed to write their autobiographies the previous day. This will prevent them from re-telling their story and making you cry, as they await their execution
• Stop using sand in your eye, since it causes a dry desert-like condition. This easily leads to redeye. Also, use some eye drops to soothe the raging sandstorm that might occur, since wet sand will be best used for creation of sandcastles, or quicksand

... and that's it folks! Stay safe, and follow my tips to see a good life unfold for you.

DIY Life Lessons: Self Defense & Escape

Welcome to my Self Defense lesson against attackers.

Consider this scenario. It's 2AM, and you feel like some road-kill BBQ. But you don't have money to rent a car from that cash-only rental service center. There goes your grand plan to drive over potential dinner. 
But wait! You could withdraw money from that ATM no one uses, in that shady part of town no one goes to. What could go wrong? Well, let me tell you what could go wrong. Nothing! Why? Because you're going to follow my tips and tricks!

So here's what you can do to protect yourself.

Use what's in your hands

• Have you been gnawing on that bone, trying to get at the marrow for the last 20mins? Time to get rid of it. Stick the bone down the attacker's pants and make use of that high frequency whistle you could never hear
• Make a mess when you apply the lipstick found in your handbag. Bravely walk up to the attacker and offer him a free trial of the best mix of various STDs. Also warn him that he'd have to pay the next time
• If you have platform shoes, place it one on top of the other to create a higher platform. Climb onto it for easy access to the above fire escape.
  Alternatively, if you have stilettos, wear it backwards to drastically alter your center of gravity. This is perfect to help you gain access to the above fire escape, since you are now walking up the wall.
  Remember: When you knock on the window of the first apartment you come across, don't offer the tenant a free trial of the best mix of various STDs in exchange for a phone call
• Carrying an umbrella with you? Perfect! Use the opened
  umbrella to latch onto a gust of wind and float away to safety. If movies have taught us anything, it's that Mary Poppins was the finest escape AIRtist.

Aim for weak points 

• Make sure you are stocked on Yo Mama jokes. Unleash them onto the attacker, because everyone knows an attacker's weakness is his mama. By the time he recovers from this onslaught, you'll be miles away
• Does the attacker frustrate you with his bad grammar? This could mean he had dropped out of school pretty early on. Point out the mistake and correct him. Lecture him on the value of education. Then start the belittling by telling him how his life that's worth next-to-nothing, is actually worth nothing. Shame him into submission and get him to bow his head down. At this point, quickly hit him on the back of his head while it's exposed, and knock him out
• Question his intelligence with a couple of lateral thinking puzzles. Then question his intelligence regarding him trying to attack you. He will draw a parallel between the two, and will apologize for his mistake. This is where your brain versus brawn logic triumphs

Throw your elbow

• Always carry artificial limbs and prosthetic arms. Given the opportunity, throw it at the attacker. This should scare him off at the least. 
  Alternatively, he could become your devotee, mistaking you for an Indian Goddess due to the sheer number of arms you have at your disposal.
  
  Note: How to get rid of people who worship even the ground you walk on, will be covered in a future post

Use your palm 

• The palm can be used to seriously hurt, injure or even deliver death blows if done correctly. Depending on the region, rattan, coconut or betel palm species are best for this purpose. Make sure to always carry a palm tree when you step out

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That's today's lesson ladies. Remember what I taught you. Stay safe, and enjoy your BBQ.

Story Behind Nursery Rhymes

Jack & Jill - Losing Control Over Life

Jack & Jill were two responsible adults who had decent paying jobs, good set of friends, and a life anyone would love to have. They were leading a good life, but at some point, they began getting bored of the routine and monotony. That's when they decided they wanted to do something different. Unfortunately, that led to an unwanted introduction to crack.

Soon they were hooked. They couldn't spend a day without getting high. Meals made way to crack. Life only seemed to get between sessions of getting high.
To prevent society from knowing this dark secret, they would frequent the desolate subway station, known as 'The Hill', where they would go about satisfying this dangerous craving.

There was a new variant of crack on the streets known as 'H20', which was getting rave reviews from those crack heads who could manage to mumble their pleasure on using it.

The potency of H20 saw Jack & Jill lose their jobs because they couldn't stay off it. Soon enough, Jack was broke having spent all his pounds on attaining H20. As the pail of empty drug packets in the corner started piling up, Jack's bank account and any sign he was earning under the crown, was disappearing.

Out of money and addicted, Jack depended heavily on Jill to get them money so they could get high. Slowly, all the money Jill had saved for their future together was gone as well, and she spiraled into dehumanizing acts to make money.

The end wasn't far from when Jack went broke, and they disappeared soon enough. No one knows what happened to them. To this day, kids are taught the devastating influence of drugs, and especially H20, through the form of a nursery rhyme.

The End

Disclaimer: I have no rights over the images used in the blog/post, and have used them with no intention to distribute them or make any money out of them.

You & Your Little Ones

There's that little part of you you've seen grow. You never knew growing up so quick was part and parcel of your life, but here we are.
You are about to separate and watch your fingernail go on ahead and find other uses in its life, or rather, after-life of being your fingernail.
To help you decide on how best help your fingernail reach its full potential, I have a list of options for you.

• Stick a bunch of fingernails onto a potato and place it in a pot. This will be your first ever Nailtusto, the 4th cousin of the cactus once removed from the father's side
• Stick cut nails onto a painting of you for absolute realism. That's a million dollar art idea for free!
• Collect years worth of cut nails, and stitch them together to form the ultimate chain-mail, that serves as valuable defense against Aunty Spittle and Cousin Bracey's hugs
• Hate a certain teacher? Spike every classroom chalk piece with a cut nail. Blackboards will never sound the same when you write on it
• Attach it at the end of a foot long stick, and you have yourself an advanced personal back scratcher
• Leave a few fingernails along with a beautiful gift, on the desk of the girl/guy you've been anonymously impressing. DNA analyses will guide that person to you
• Finds strong use in acupuncture 
• Use in kids' projects titled 'Puns in Egypt', by having a flowing river made of fingernails.

These are just a few of the uses you can find for your little ones. 

Stay together, and stay sharp!

Guide to Running Like a Pro

Follow these easy steps to good health, losing those extra pounds of chicken from last weekend, and that glowing skin from the insurgency of life force.

1. Make sure you are mentally prepared for running.
You spilt some juice on your new shoes?! What is the point you're trying to make? You can't run unless you get those stains out? Fine! Clean it up quick.
You've been at it for 30mins now! Sigh! It's too late now. Let's try again tomorrow.

2. Wake up early.
Wake up! Wake up! What do you mean you forgot to put the alarm? Sheesh! Just... fine! Tomorrow!

3. Get plenty of sleep! 
It's 5:30 in the A.M, and I'm glad you're up... sort of. Huh? So what if you slept only 7.5 hours?! 
You need a solid 8 hours of sleep, because you don't want to start the jog tired? What kind of logic is that? Fine! Tomorrow!

4. Drink tons of water hours before you run.
What's your excuse this morning, that you forgot to drink water the previous day? No wait. You're saying you're feeling dehydrated because you peed all the water you drank last night? Oh My God! Fine! Let's try this again the next day. Don't forget to drink just enough water this time.

5. Maintain rhythmic breathing.
NO! Yawning constantly does not count as rhythmic breathing. Show some... hey! Where are you heading? You're going in the wrong direction! Stop! You're running...oh. You're running home to bed. WT...! 

6. Maintain a steady pace.
You're finally out and running. Or rather jogging. Well, maybe it isn't exactly a jog, but more like a brisk walk. Strike that. It's an evening stroll. Well, just do a good job at it, will you? Try maintaining that pace. What are you doing?! Don't stop! You just started walking! Dognabit! Alright! FINE! Think your way to good health. I give up! You just don't want to jog. Why don't you go play some Wii Sport then, won't you?

5 Job Interview Tips

1. Do Your Research

• Is this the best blog post regarding tips on how to ace your interview? 
• Does the company encourage the use of potatoes for electricity? 
• How often do wild pygmies feel the need to divorce their partners in exchange for shoes? 
• If rainbows exist, where are the mistarrows?
• What are the similarities between marauding pyjamas and hypnotic leaves of cotton candy?

These are topics you can research to understand better the strange world of the interwebs, and a little about the company as well. Once you are done with this, time permitting, you can head out for the interview as well.

2. Practice Your Answers
One thing interviewers look for are consistent answers. So make sure you know your answers like the back of your hand, regardless of the questions. The questions are just methods to hear your answers, and if you are ready with your answers already, the questions or their order are irrelevant.

3. Look The Part

If you've been unemployed for a few months, make sure you have a stubble, torn clothes, and you don't shower for a week in advance. Looking the part might drive the interviewers to hire you, after all, emotions are the strongest feelings that are evaluated in an interview.







If you are interviewing with another company while you are already employed, then make sure to look disinterested and morose (like you've been forced to attend this interview). Nothing screams quality like a disinterested potential employee.



4. Stay Calm
So nothing has worked in your favor so far. Pygmies don't wear shoes, and potatoes are more fried than electrified. All is not lost yet.


Stay calm and remember the adage,
Calmness exudes from within, so smile the smile that can be seen from a mile.

All questions from that point forward can be answered with a smile, and make eye to eye contact.



5. Ask Questions
The last part of the interview. This is the get-to-know-your-interviewer stage. This is when you get to ask your interviewer(s) about their personal life.

• What is their exact address?

• Do they live alone, and if not, who else lives with them?

• Is security in their neighborhood lax? 

• How about their doors and windows? How easy is it to enter the house through them?

• What is their take on stalkers and people who watch them while they sleep?

Showing interest in them as a person brings out your inter-personal skills, and will impress them...eventually. You need to execute on the information you receive during this round of the interview.

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That's it! You should be all set! And congratulations in advance on your new job as a 'Generalist Stalker with Random & Strange Knowledge'.

Disclaimer: I have no rights over the images used in the blog/post, and have used them with no intention to distribute them or make any money out of them.

Random Call-to-Arms!

Dear idli-eaters and vada-dealers,

Hear me good and hear me well.

Pani-puri makers and mallu bakers,

Rise to the top with what you sell.

India is rising like a chapatti.

Rupee value is dropping like an unfolding lungi,

Wives are being measured by their gold.

But wait! But hold!

We are growing,

We are off-shoring.

There's lesser road side pee,

And more malls of A/C.

There's a market for everyone,

Regardless of the international shun.

Join hands entrepreneurs and money-launderers,

For turning black money to white is fun!

We have the politicians,

Who'll resist the oncoming change, and some.

Bribe is a way of life,

Don't trust someone who won't accept one.

Disclaimer: I have no rights over the images used in the blog/post, and have used them with no intention to distribute them or make any money out of them.

Delirium

Pssst!
Who.. What?
Hey man! I got something for you.
I... err... I'm not interested.
I think you would be, if you only come this way.
Ahem! Who are you exactly?
Those are details that don't matter. What matters now is I make your life better. Follow me into this dark alley way.
Hello Brain? Could you help me out here? Should I follow this mysterious and creepy stranger into this dark alley?
(hic)! Sure! What could go wrong? As your superior intellect, I say go ahead! YOLO biyaaatch!
(hic)!
Damnit! I don't think I should even bother listening to...
I SAID YOLO (hic)! Don't piss me off! I could black out if you make me work... I'm warning you!
Hey bud! You coming?
Yeah yeah! Coming!
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Pretty much how I imagine my super smart pills killing off those inebriated bacteria and germs that are making me sick.

The earliest bird gets the worm...

I see your horse, and raise you an ostrich.

 

Sacrilege? Let me Google that...

With this kind of proof, it's hard to not see the light.
Ladies & gentlemen, presenting to you straight out of the infinity pool known as the internet,
Googlism

Being Friendly

Could happen to any one of us...

                              

Stress Release

Last weekend I finally got out of home and did a few things.

• I ate a pretty decent dinner.
• Wrote a check.
• Pulled some strings.
• Met a bunch of girls.
• Flew a kite.
• Changed a few light bulbs
• Bowled, batted, and fielded.
• Caught a train.
• Cut a whole lot of vegetables.
• Pimp slapped a couple of people.
• Twisted my leg quite a number of times...

...all within the span of two hours.

Well, that's basically how I dance free-style.

What the Frick?

I hadn't been out suffering through the snow in a really long time. I of course, helped the cause by being totally ignorant about the narrow slits in my shoes.  So walking through the knee deep snow at Frick park was eventful in more ways than one, since we were also fortunate enough to come across deer prints and deer scat in the snow. Oh wonderful world! Life is indeed good.

P.S.: Didn't take pics of the scat though. I'm trying to keep this blog as clean as possible.
Parents, your kids can view this blog with no fear of their innocent little minds being tainted.

                                                                                                     

Bougie-ness!

What is with Indian restaurants and their jugs of water with uncut lemons bobbing in them? I wouldn't have an issue if they were cut, but uncut? Let's refer to this as 'Unlemon Water'.

I understand there are health advantages to drinking unlemon water, but for that, the lemons need to be in the water for a prolonged period of time, or at least cut open, for heaven's sake.
If you've ever been in a decent Indian restaurant, you know the kind of crowd that's expected. That's more because of the Indian population rather than the actual popularity of the restaurant.
The point is, because of the crowd, there's never enough time for the water to soak in the goodness from these uncut lemons, before it's completely served to customers. The jugs then have to be filled with fresh water, and quickly served again.
This might work in other countries or restaurants where there's smaller population

This is just complete bougie-ness from the restaurant's part, and I really see a lot of impression creating rather than practical use these days.

Rant for the day, DONE!

Disclaimer: I have no rights over the images used in the blog/post, and have used them with no intention to distribute them or make any money out of them.