DIY Life Lessons: Redeye

Today we will cover different ways to avoid the dreaded Redeye!

• Make sure your flight time is at a reasonable hour. If the cops take too much time to arrive when you carjack a vehicle on your way to the airport, it's because of heavy traffic. This is the optimum anti-redeye time of travel. Else you'll quickly be arrested, allowing a re-booking of your tickets to a better time
• Using a photo-editing software, color everyone's eyes in the picture completely black, including the whites of their eyes. This will guarantee no red eyes. Also, you might want to hire a priest for exorcisms. I hear possessions are on the rise, if photos are any proof
• Meditate deeply while counting to ten when you get angry. You will no longer see red due to a nerve bursting in your eye, flooding blood all over
• Change your contacts to any other color
• Wash your hands properly after you have poked the eyes of another person suffering from redeye
• If you see the riot police come at you and your friends when protesting the unfair use of pomegranates as a replacement for cherries in cakes, stay away from their pepper spray
• Change the time of when you drive/transport people across borders secretly. Also carry a lot of coffee

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Continuing with our tips...

• Remember to bribe that witch-doctor with whiskey and smoked rat's tail, so there's no redeye curse placed upon you
• Stop acting in 8-bit cartoons, movies and art pieces
• Create a biological weapon that will get rid of all that you're allergic to, on a global scale
• Surround yourself with tons of money and girls/male strippers, while being in a position of unquestionable control over the entire world. This will prevent you from ever feeling sad/unhappy, since we know all these things will drive happiness to you, like a sheepdog herding cattle. No more crying your eyes out and causing a redeye
• Make sure the onions that are to be cut, are allowed to write their autobiographies the previous day. This will prevent them from re-telling their story and making you cry, as they await their execution
• Stop using sand in your eye, since it causes a dry desert-like condition. This easily leads to redeye. Also, use some eye drops to soothe the raging sandstorm that might occur, since wet sand will be best used for creation of sandcastles, or quicksand

... and that's it folks! Stay safe, and follow my tips to see a good life unfold for you.

DIY Life Lessons: Self Defense & Escape

Welcome to my Self Defense lesson against attackers.

Consider this scenario. It's 2AM, and you feel like some road-kill BBQ. But you don't have money to rent a car from that cash-only rental service center. There goes your grand plan to drive over potential dinner. 
But wait! You could withdraw money from that ATM no one uses, in that shady part of town no one goes to. What could go wrong? Well, let me tell you what could go wrong. Nothing! Why? Because you're going to follow my tips and tricks!

So here's what you can do to protect yourself.

Use what's in your hands

• Have you been gnawing on that bone, trying to get at the marrow for the last 20mins? Time to get rid of it. Stick the bone down the attacker's pants and make use of that high frequency whistle you could never hear
• Make a mess when you apply the lipstick found in your handbag. Bravely walk up to the attacker and offer him a free trial of the best mix of various STDs. Also warn him that he'd have to pay the next time
• If you have platform shoes, place it one on top of the other to create a higher platform. Climb onto it for easy access to the above fire escape.
  Alternatively, if you have stilettos, wear it backwards to drastically alter your center of gravity. This is perfect to help you gain access to the above fire escape, since you are now walking up the wall.
  Remember: When you knock on the window of the first apartment you come across, don't offer the tenant a free trial of the best mix of various STDs in exchange for a phone call
• Carrying an umbrella with you? Perfect! Use the opened
  umbrella to latch onto a gust of wind and float away to safety. If movies have taught us anything, it's that Mary Poppins was the finest escape AIRtist.

Aim for weak points 

• Make sure you are stocked on Yo Mama jokes. Unleash them onto the attacker, because everyone knows an attacker's weakness is his mama. By the time he recovers from this onslaught, you'll be miles away
• Does the attacker frustrate you with his bad grammar? This could mean he had dropped out of school pretty early on. Point out the mistake and correct him. Lecture him on the value of education. Then start the belittling by telling him how his life that's worth next-to-nothing, is actually worth nothing. Shame him into submission and get him to bow his head down. At this point, quickly hit him on the back of his head while it's exposed, and knock him out
• Question his intelligence with a couple of lateral thinking puzzles. Then question his intelligence regarding him trying to attack you. He will draw a parallel between the two, and will apologize for his mistake. This is where your brain versus brawn logic triumphs

Throw your elbow

• Always carry artificial limbs and prosthetic arms. Given the opportunity, throw it at the attacker. This should scare him off at the least. 
  Alternatively, he could become your devotee, mistaking you for an Indian Goddess due to the sheer number of arms you have at your disposal.
  
  Note: How to get rid of people who worship even the ground you walk on, will be covered in a future post

Use your palm 

• The palm can be used to seriously hurt, injure or even deliver death blows if done correctly. Depending on the region, rattan, coconut or betel palm species are best for this purpose. Make sure to always carry a palm tree when you step out

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That's today's lesson ladies. Remember what I taught you. Stay safe, and enjoy your BBQ.