Q&A Time: Potholes

Hello again, my confused friends. It's that part of the blog where I answer an imaginary someone's conjured up question pertaining to giant lizards, fleeing bridesmaids, or penguins that are susceptible to being tickled.
Welcome to,

'Hypothetical Questions & Answers'

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Today's question comes from Raj of Generic City, India. He asks,

Q:

Dear Blogger/Vimal/I.I,

Generic City has a lot of tarred roads, and is in general considered a relatively rich city due to the burgeoning IT industry. This service industry has resulted in a very rich middle class. Regardless of how rich the city may seem, come monsoon season, all the roads get battered with potholes.

My question is, who is to blame and how can we help maintain good pothole-free roads?

A:

Dear Raj,

Let me indulge you in a bit of a background story, which will help you understand my later explanation.
As the middle class continues working for a huge chunk of every day by sitting in front of their computer desks, their lack of physical exertion or exercise becomes apparent. They develop what I'd like to call 'Corporate Fat' around their waists. Corporate fattened bellies are different from normal big bellies in that, they resist change to their shape on application of an external physical force.

Reason for your problem. 

During the rainy season, people tend to spend a lot of time indoors, eating tons of hot fried snacks. This will lead to a general unhealthy feeling, and almost everyone will want to try jogging to lose some weight and be healthy again.

These potbellied people end up going on early morning jogs. If it rains or even drizzles, these joggers tend to slip and fall onto their tummies. This leads to the creation of potholes.

Solution to the problem
One thing you will notice is that each pothole has its own unique shape and depth (fingerprint of the pothole, if you will). Matching this to the corresponding potbellied IT worker, you can find the culprit who has damaged government property (the road). A hefty fine will prevent any such ambitious plans in the future.

Hope this answer has helped. Thank you for mailing in your question.

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That's it folks! If any of you have hypothetical questions you'd like answered, please feel free to trouble me anytime. 

Until then, I bid you, vida!

Saves Nine

Tommy: Jeez! I see a tear! I wish my ma was here so she could fix this.

POOF!

A puff of smoke appears out of thin air, blanketing the bright light that seems to be everywhere.
Through the smoke and light, a silhouette walks towards Tommy.

Tommy: Who are you mister?

The stranger steps through the smoke and into full view.

Stranger: I am Pin Man! Master protector of those who are on the verge of embarrassment; companion to those who are about to blow up their enemies; preserver of loose and dangling strands of hair.

Tommy: Is that really you, Pin Man?!

Pin Man (with his hands on his hips): Yes Tommy. And this is Boy Thread, my trusty sidekick.

Boy Thread (waving): Hi there Tommy! What's gotten you all glum, old chum!

Tommy: There's that tear I just noticed. I was hoping my ma was around to help fix it.

Boy Thread (slamming his fist into his open palm): Holy poonal kalyanam* Pin Man!

Pin Man: We don't have time to waste Boy Thread! Quick! Poke me in the eye, and make sure you go right through!

Boy Thread: You got it Pin Man! 

Swish!

Boy Thread: Dangit! I missed. Let me try again Pin Man!

Swish!

Boy Thread: I'm sorry Pin Man! I seem off today.

Tommy starts crying.

Pin Man: Get closer Boy Thread. Let me lick you completely. It'll make it easier for you in your next attempt!

Slurrrrp!

Boy Thread: Thank you Pin Man! Let me try again!

Swoosh!

Boy Thread: Holy eye of the torn, Pin Man! I made it!

Pin Man (forefinger tapping on his chin, and Boy Thread dangling from his eye): If my analysis is correct, we should be able to stitch him up in no time. Don't worry Tommy! It's going to be alright! Hold on to my eye socket Boy Thread! Here we go!

---

Nurse: Doctor. Do you think the strength of the anesthesia administered to Tommy was sufficient? I think he might be gaining consciousness.

Doctor: Nothing to worry about. He should still be pretty groggy, and might even hallucinate. All we have to do is complete stitching him up. A successful appendectomy, don't you think?
There! It's done! Please cut the suture for me, nurse.

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*Poonal Kalyanam (thread ceremony), also known as Upanayana, is the initiation ritual for brahmins to symbolize transfer of knowledge

Science: Light & Sound

Proof light travels faster than sound can be seen in everyday situations, such as,

• When a girl slaps a random guy who pinched her backside, you see the guy's head spin because of the impact, before you hear him cry in pain
• When the same guy jumps the wall of the girl's house in the middle of the night, you see the guard dog bite before the scream and the flight
• The guy's cheeks flushing red with embarrassment is seen before his friends laughter is heard, as they listen to the guy's night adventure 
• You see on Facebook that guy changed his status from 'Single' to 'It's Complicated ' thinking that he might actually have a chance at a relationship with that random girl. Then he calls and tells you

Stay tuned for more wonderful science and life instances.

Guide to Running Like a Pro

Follow these easy steps to good health, losing those extra pounds of chicken from last weekend, and that glowing skin from the insurgency of life force.

1. Make sure you are mentally prepared for running.
You spilt some juice on your new shoes?! What is the point you're trying to make? You can't run unless you get those stains out? Fine! Clean it up quick.
You've been at it for 30mins now! Sigh! It's too late now. Let's try again tomorrow.

2. Wake up early.
Wake up! Wake up! What do you mean you forgot to put the alarm? Sheesh! Just... fine! Tomorrow!

3. Get plenty of sleep! 
It's 5:30 in the A.M, and I'm glad you're up... sort of. Huh? So what if you slept only 7.5 hours?! 
You need a solid 8 hours of sleep, because you don't want to start the jog tired? What kind of logic is that? Fine! Tomorrow!

4. Drink tons of water hours before you run.
What's your excuse this morning, that you forgot to drink water the previous day? No wait. You're saying you're feeling dehydrated because you peed all the water you drank last night? Oh My God! Fine! Let's try this again the next day. Don't forget to drink just enough water this time.

5. Maintain rhythmic breathing.
NO! Yawning constantly does not count as rhythmic breathing. Show some... hey! Where are you heading? You're going in the wrong direction! Stop! You're running...oh. You're running home to bed. WT...! 

6. Maintain a steady pace.
You're finally out and running. Or rather jogging. Well, maybe it isn't exactly a jog, but more like a brisk walk. Strike that. It's an evening stroll. Well, just do a good job at it, will you? Try maintaining that pace. What are you doing?! Don't stop! You just started walking! Dognabit! Alright! FINE! Think your way to good health. I give up! You just don't want to jog. Why don't you go play some Wii Sport then, won't you?

Random Call-to-Arms!

Dear idli-eaters and vada-dealers,

Hear me good and hear me well.

Pani-puri makers and mallu bakers,

Rise to the top with what you sell.

India is rising like a chapatti.

Rupee value is dropping like an unfolding lungi,

Wives are being measured by their gold.

But wait! But hold!

We are growing,

We are off-shoring.

There's lesser road side pee,

And more malls of A/C.

There's a market for everyone,

Regardless of the international shun.

Join hands entrepreneurs and money-launderers,

For turning black money to white is fun!

We have the politicians,

Who'll resist the oncoming change, and some.

Bribe is a way of life,

Don't trust someone who won't accept one.

Disclaimer: I have no rights over the images used in the blog/post, and have used them with no intention to distribute them or make any money out of them.

The Return of the Slacker

Well, it's been a while. You know how it is with work, life, work, and everything you can try to fit in-between. I've decided to try sticking to blogging as much as I can. Facebook, twitter, LinkedIn don't just cut it. Blogging is where it is at... until it gets outdated.

I have finally planned to head back to the mother land after a 6 year stint in the other land of the Indians (to be PC, Native Americans), and that means only one thing...

...I'll have to ask someone the way to the closest 'Desi' store when I'm home.

Being Indian...very Indian

There are lots of things we overlook while in India because it's considered normal. It's only when you travel abroad do they surface. The example that comes right off the bat is the famous Indian head shake.

Reason for the head shake being famous: Same action signifies approval and disapproval, and is usually accompanied by silence which doesn't help the cause.

So how did this come into our culture? I am pretty sure our great great grand parents never shook their heads. They were way too proud to have a vague shake like that This was definitely a recent development, maybe even in our parent's generation. I would like to postulate a theory.

Stevie Wonder.

Bougie-ness!

What is with Indian restaurants and their jugs of water with uncut lemons bobbing in them? I wouldn't have an issue if they were cut, but uncut? Let's refer to this as 'Unlemon Water'.

I understand there are health advantages to drinking unlemon water, but for that, the lemons need to be in the water for a prolonged period of time, or at least cut open, for heaven's sake.
If you've ever been in a decent Indian restaurant, you know the kind of crowd that's expected. That's more because of the Indian population rather than the actual popularity of the restaurant.
The point is, because of the crowd, there's never enough time for the water to soak in the goodness from these uncut lemons, before it's completely served to customers. The jugs then have to be filled with fresh water, and quickly served again.
This might work in other countries or restaurants where there's smaller population

This is just complete bougie-ness from the restaurant's part, and I really see a lot of impression creating rather than practical use these days.

Rant for the day, DONE!

Disclaimer: I have no rights over the images used in the blog/post, and have used them with no intention to distribute them or make any money out of them.