DIY Life Lessons: Self Defense & Escape

Welcome to my Self Defense lesson against attackers.

Consider this scenario. It's 2AM, and you feel like some road-kill BBQ. But you don't have money to rent a car from that cash-only rental service center. There goes your grand plan to drive over potential dinner. 
But wait! You could withdraw money from that ATM no one uses, in that shady part of town no one goes to. What could go wrong? Well, let me tell you what could go wrong. Nothing! Why? Because you're going to follow my tips and tricks!

So here's what you can do to protect yourself.

Use what's in your hands

• Have you been gnawing on that bone, trying to get at the marrow for the last 20mins? Time to get rid of it. Stick the bone down the attacker's pants and make use of that high frequency whistle you could never hear
• Make a mess when you apply the lipstick found in your handbag. Bravely walk up to the attacker and offer him a free trial of the best mix of various STDs. Also warn him that he'd have to pay the next time
• If you have platform shoes, place it one on top of the other to create a higher platform. Climb onto it for easy access to the above fire escape.
  Alternatively, if you have stilettos, wear it backwards to drastically alter your center of gravity. This is perfect to help you gain access to the above fire escape, since you are now walking up the wall.
  Remember: When you knock on the window of the first apartment you come across, don't offer the tenant a free trial of the best mix of various STDs in exchange for a phone call
• Carrying an umbrella with you? Perfect! Use the opened
  umbrella to latch onto a gust of wind and float away to safety. If movies have taught us anything, it's that Mary Poppins was the finest escape AIRtist.

Aim for weak points 

• Make sure you are stocked on Yo Mama jokes. Unleash them onto the attacker, because everyone knows an attacker's weakness is his mama. By the time he recovers from this onslaught, you'll be miles away
• Does the attacker frustrate you with his bad grammar? This could mean he had dropped out of school pretty early on. Point out the mistake and correct him. Lecture him on the value of education. Then start the belittling by telling him how his life that's worth next-to-nothing, is actually worth nothing. Shame him into submission and get him to bow his head down. At this point, quickly hit him on the back of his head while it's exposed, and knock him out
• Question his intelligence with a couple of lateral thinking puzzles. Then question his intelligence regarding him trying to attack you. He will draw a parallel between the two, and will apologize for his mistake. This is where your brain versus brawn logic triumphs

Throw your elbow

• Always carry artificial limbs and prosthetic arms. Given the opportunity, throw it at the attacker. This should scare him off at the least. 
  Alternatively, he could become your devotee, mistaking you for an Indian Goddess due to the sheer number of arms you have at your disposal.
  
  Note: How to get rid of people who worship even the ground you walk on, will be covered in a future post

Use your palm 

• The palm can be used to seriously hurt, injure or even deliver death blows if done correctly. Depending on the region, rattan, coconut or betel palm species are best for this purpose. Make sure to always carry a palm tree when you step out

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That's today's lesson ladies. Remember what I taught you. Stay safe, and enjoy your BBQ.