DIY Life Lessons: Redeye

Today we will cover different ways to avoid the dreaded Redeye!

• Make sure your flight time is at a reasonable hour. If the cops take too much time to arrive when you carjack a vehicle on your way to the airport, it's because of heavy traffic. This is the optimum anti-redeye time of travel. Else you'll quickly be arrested, allowing a re-booking of your tickets to a better time
• Using a photo-editing software, color everyone's eyes in the picture completely black, including the whites of their eyes. This will guarantee no red eyes. Also, you might want to hire a priest for exorcisms. I hear possessions are on the rise, if photos are any proof
• Meditate deeply while counting to ten when you get angry. You will no longer see red due to a nerve bursting in your eye, flooding blood all over
• Change your contacts to any other color
• Wash your hands properly after you have poked the eyes of another person suffering from redeye
• If you see the riot police come at you and your friends when protesting the unfair use of pomegranates as a replacement for cherries in cakes, stay away from their pepper spray
• Change the time of when you drive/transport people across borders secretly. Also carry a lot of coffee

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Continuing with our tips...

• Remember to bribe that witch-doctor with whiskey and smoked rat's tail, so there's no redeye curse placed upon you
• Stop acting in 8-bit cartoons, movies and art pieces
• Create a biological weapon that will get rid of all that you're allergic to, on a global scale
• Surround yourself with tons of money and girls/male strippers, while being in a position of unquestionable control over the entire world. This will prevent you from ever feeling sad/unhappy, since we know all these things will drive happiness to you, like a sheepdog herding cattle. No more crying your eyes out and causing a redeye
• Make sure the onions that are to be cut, are allowed to write their autobiographies the previous day. This will prevent them from re-telling their story and making you cry, as they await their execution
• Stop using sand in your eye, since it causes a dry desert-like condition. This easily leads to redeye. Also, use some eye drops to soothe the raging sandstorm that might occur, since wet sand will be best used for creation of sandcastles, or quicksand

... and that's it folks! Stay safe, and follow my tips to see a good life unfold for you.

Random Fact

Did you know that cold-blooded animals and the temperature of their surroundings are linked?

• Living in Sahara-like climatic conditions? Hang two psychoactive toads outside your window. These toads will absorb the heat from the surrounding area, and bring the overall temperature down.In addition, lick these toads to be able to read the entrails of a caribou devouring mushroom. This will make the future as foreseeable as the next post on this blog
• Trying to overthrow that dictator who raised manure production 40 fold? Annoyed that air-freshners are, by law, now available only to the elite? Fear not!
  Present the dictator with a Pygmy Constrictor of the Peipper Forests, convincing him it's a 'unique' one-size -fits-all belt. Make sure this is done during the dead of winter and there's a mansion-wide blackout. The cold will make the constrictor motionless (to preserve energy). Once the dictator is in the presence of warmth (close to a fire or out in the sun), the Pygmy Constrictor will literally squeeze the life out of him.
  Viva la revolución!

Science: Sneeze Power

What is the power of a simple sneeze?
Before we get to the nitty gritty details of a sneeze, we need to understand what is a sneeze, and how it is generated.

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Structure
Your body is actually a miniature empire that is always on the move (controlled by the High Neuron Priests of the temple of Brain). It contains soldiers who fight off invading armies, and are always on high alert against spies and infiltrators.

Soldiers present along the Wall of Mucous are The Body's alarm system. Sometimes though, they tend to fall sleep, or get distracted by the beautiful female family members of R.B.Cells. This is forbidden love, but how it came to be so, will be covered in another post. Enemy soldiers usually wait for this opportunity to try and sneak in.




Working
Enemy soldiers keep trying to enter the empire of The Body. Most of them get caught in the smart trap laid by the soldiers in the Margove trees of the Nose Swamps.

However, these defenses are not always fail-safe, and sometimes a large invading force manages to enter the empire.
When overrun, the mystic priests of the temple of Brain call upon their presiding deity of Vaccuumus Airus. This cowardly deity has an inherent fear of the invading army. This God observes which direction the enemy is in as it rises from the ocean. It then faces the other direction and makes a run for it. The force of the sand sprayed backwards by this God as he flees, results in all the enemies being expelled powerfully.

This is what we call a sneeze.

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Now that we have the structure of working of a sneeze, imagine harnessing it. Imagine harnessing the combined sneezes of all your fellow country men (and women of course). What could the potential uses of this be? Well, let me list them out, my friends.

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Uses

• Biological Warfare: Sprinkle some disease germs and unleash the collective expullsive force of the National Sneezerator.

• Ever-ready Rain: Large scale combined sneezes will alter the pressure system in the nation, drawing in moisture laiden clouds from the sea. When this is blocked by the mountains of giant fish bones piled on by that pirate bear crew everyone's been on the lookout for, it should result in a monsoon of heavy sneezefall.

• National Emergency Siren: Justin Beiber albums invading your country? Is the nation surrounded by twerking GIFs? Fear not! Alert the nation to these calamities, and more, with the help of the Sneeze-iren. This combines the the sound volumes of the whole nation's sneezers, and launches it all at the same time. Everyone is sure to hear it.
  
  

• Prevent surveillance: Unleashing the ever dependable Sneezerator in the desert will create a dust cloud. This will prevent satellite surveillance by foreign countries.

• Immigration Control: The main result of the sneeze is to remove foreign bodies. So allowing authorities to randomly fire the public with the Sneezegration Law Gun will automatically blow away only the illegal immigrants and terrorists into neighbouring countries.

• Higher Pardons: The advantageous side effect to using the sneeze theory in protecting the nation, regardless of extreme and brutal force it brings with it, is that it's always followed by a polite 'Excuse me', No nation is resistant to this politeness, and will always result in being 'excused'.

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Stay tuned to this blog, for more exciting Science lessons in the near future.

Disclaimer: I have no rights over the images used in the blog/post, and have used them with no intention to distribute them or make any money out of them.

Saves Nine

Tommy: Jeez! I see a tear! I wish my ma was here so she could fix this.

POOF!

A puff of smoke appears out of thin air, blanketing the bright light that seems to be everywhere.
Through the smoke and light, a silhouette walks towards Tommy.

Tommy: Who are you mister?

The stranger steps through the smoke and into full view.

Stranger: I am Pin Man! Master protector of those who are on the verge of embarrassment; companion to those who are about to blow up their enemies; preserver of loose and dangling strands of hair.

Tommy: Is that really you, Pin Man?!

Pin Man (with his hands on his hips): Yes Tommy. And this is Boy Thread, my trusty sidekick.

Boy Thread (waving): Hi there Tommy! What's gotten you all glum, old chum!

Tommy: There's that tear I just noticed. I was hoping my ma was around to help fix it.

Boy Thread (slamming his fist into his open palm): Holy poonal kalyanam* Pin Man!

Pin Man: We don't have time to waste Boy Thread! Quick! Poke me in the eye, and make sure you go right through!

Boy Thread: You got it Pin Man! 

Swish!

Boy Thread: Dangit! I missed. Let me try again Pin Man!

Swish!

Boy Thread: I'm sorry Pin Man! I seem off today.

Tommy starts crying.

Pin Man: Get closer Boy Thread. Let me lick you completely. It'll make it easier for you in your next attempt!

Slurrrrp!

Boy Thread: Thank you Pin Man! Let me try again!

Swoosh!

Boy Thread: Holy eye of the torn, Pin Man! I made it!

Pin Man (forefinger tapping on his chin, and Boy Thread dangling from his eye): If my analysis is correct, we should be able to stitch him up in no time. Don't worry Tommy! It's going to be alright! Hold on to my eye socket Boy Thread! Here we go!

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Nurse: Doctor. Do you think the strength of the anesthesia administered to Tommy was sufficient? I think he might be gaining consciousness.

Doctor: Nothing to worry about. He should still be pretty groggy, and might even hallucinate. All we have to do is complete stitching him up. A successful appendectomy, don't you think?
There! It's done! Please cut the suture for me, nurse.

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*Poonal Kalyanam (thread ceremony), also known as Upanayana, is the initiation ritual for brahmins to symbolize transfer of knowledge

Unknown Knowledge: Inventions

In this epipost of Unknown Knowledge, we shall tackle famous inventors, their inventions and the circumstances that led to these ground breaking creations.

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Invention: Airplane
Inventor: The Wright brothers

Inspiration: The driving force behind this invention is completely attributed to Rhythm & Blues singer, Robert Sylvester Kelly (a.k.a. R. Kelly) and his hit song, 'I Believe I Can Fly'.

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Invention: Ballpoint Pen
Inventor: John Loud

Inspiration: When the whole neighborhood started using his pool, John Loud, contrary to his name, was very meek in trying to dissuade them from using it. So he invented the messy ballpoint pen. He would sneakily drop it into the pool when it was crowded. This would spread a dark blue color, and everyone would be disgusted and get out as quickly as possible.
Also, it could be used to write when not a practical joke device.

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Invention: Automatic Bread Slicer
Inventor: Otto Frederick Rohwedder

Inspiration: Otto hated shuffling cards. Every time there was poker being played, he would be laughed at since he wasn't able to split the cards.

He quickly googled for remedies and suggestions, and found out that getting things automated was the best solution. Hence he made the automated Card Splitter.

However, his friends laughed at that as well, since it was totally useless while playing cards. Frustration mounted as Otto saw it lying unused on the kitchen slab. All that work was for nothing. He flung the closest thing he could grab at the Card Splitter, and voila! The automated bread slicer was created.

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Invention: Disposable Diaper

Inventor: Marion Donovan

Inspiration: Initially, Marion invented the disposable diaper for her drunk friends and herself for when they went out partying. It would be worn around the face, and prevented the regurgitated content from spilling to the outside world. A couple of drunk mothers started using the diaper around the wrong end of the baby, but it worked as successfully, if not better. Soon this became the standard.

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Invention: Gas Mask

Inventor: Garrett Morgan

Inspiration:While in school, Garrett Morgan shared a room with a foodie. Every time Garrett Morgan entered his room, it would be filled with hydrogen sulfide-like gases, of varying concentrations. 'Chemistry Experiments!', his roomie would cry out. Due to the constant emissions, Garrett Morgan was unable to sleep, eat, or study in his room anymore. Thence, he created the gas mask.

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Invention: Mechanical Pencil

Inventor: Tokuji Hayakawa

Inspiration: As a kid, Tokuji Hayakawa wasn't very tall, and was always picked on. Rage drove him to plan revenge. He had to do it without anyone knowing. The best place would be in class. So, he created the mechanical pencil. Using this, he was sure that he could get back at his bullies many clicks at a time. As long as they stayed still, for however long it took him to get the pencil lead to the required length, he'd be able to poke them where it'd hurt the most.

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Disclaimer: I have no rights over the images used in the blog/post, and have used them with no intention to distribute them or make any money out of them.